Crashing Down

I love the days when everything seems to be crashing down on you. When you have the worst attitude possible and you just know you're heart is not in the right place. Actually, I really dislike those days. But something that I do love about them is that it's God knocking at you're heart, telling you to surrender everything to Him and to let Him completely surround every part of you.

Those are the days when I decide to get away from people, get away from the business of my life and sit in quietness with God. I grab a blanket and bible, drive/walk somewhere, and just sit.

In that moment I lay everything down at His feet, and absorb only what's of Him. I may be bawling, laughing, or just silent. But it's so sweet.

Above is where this last happened. I was going to attempt to climb up a hill that overlooks Simi Valley and has a cross on the top of it. But being the cleaver girl that I am, I wore flip flops, so I only got so far. But this view still left me in awe. I sat there thinking "why the heck did you bring me here?", but I know it is because this is where my story really begins. This is where my identity lies. This is where God is going to shape me into the woman that He wants me to be. It may be hard, and it may take many days where I have to just get away from the world. But I am so completely ready.

So days where you feel like your crashing down and nothing makes sense. Just get away. God does amazing things in those quite moments alone with him.

"Live in the Light of Eternity"

I decided that I should give an update about my life here in California.

I'm honestly loving it here. I always thought it would be cool to live in CA, but never EVER thought I'd end up here. And I always got the impression that it sucked to live here. But I love it!

I love waking up and looking out the window to see palm trees. Palm trees are absolutely my favorite tree. They are so happy, which makes me happy. But anyway, life has been good. Things are more expensive, and it's weird being on my own. The first time I went like hard core grocery shopping, I realized how much on my own I really am. haha. I'd been grocery shopping with my mom before, but I didn't pay attention to how much things cost really. But even for one person, groceries can be expensive! Ooh how wonderful it'd be if we didn't have to survive on food. But ooh well. It's a learning experience and teaching me to be thrifty with my money.

My housing situation has been really great! I live with 6 awesome girls in a 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath, 2 story house. We all get along really well, which has been a huge blessing. It's so fun leaving little messages to each other on our white boards on each of our doors, we have house meetings every week which are always really good. Each of us share our testimonies, which has been really neat. It's just so amazing to see God working in each of our lives and in this "Sawyer Home"(our nickname). God is so incredibly good and really knew what he was doing when he put this household together. He deserves so much praise and glory for everything he does. But mainly just because he is an awesome Father who IS glory.

Eternity Bible College has been really good too. I am loving all of my classes so far. There was only one that I wasn't a fan of, but it was a module so it's already over with. But all the professors are so great and truly love God. It is evident in their teaching and just how they interact with all the students. The title of this blog is "Live in the Light of Eternity", which is EBC's slogan. The people here really live that out and encourage you to do the same. We should constantly been living with the thought that this is not our home. We will be going home soon and everything we are doing here, right now needs to be for the purpose of the Kingdom and to bring glory to our holy, magnificent God. That is all that matters. So anyway, yes...school is good. There is a ton of homework and Bible reading. But it's all so good and I've been learning so much. I still know so little though. And at the end of these 2 years, I will still know so little. But that makes me so excited because that means I can never stop learning and growing in Christ. It does get hard though cause it seems like I'm just constantly studying. But thus the life of a college student, right? I do make time for play though. Dates with my roommates, hanging out with other students, and being with my best friend is what consumes my time when I'm not doing homework. So I can't complain :)

When I moved here I was praying that I'd be able to get involved with a junior high youth group. And God being the incredible Father that he is, provided me with that opportunity. I'm a leader in a youth group called Impact. I love it so much. I have my own small group that has been going really well. Such sweet girls and I can't wait to get to know them more! God continues to put this passion on my heart for junior high girls and right now specifically for these girls that I'm with right now. I can't wait to see what God does in their life.

So yeah! That is my life right now. God is really using this time to make me grow and mature both spiritually and just with life in general.

If you could just be praying that I manage my time and money wisely and also that I either find a job or more fiddle students, that would be a great blessing! Thank you! :)

My Heart and Life is in His Hands Alone

It's hard when someone can't see your heart. When you know your heart is in the right place and that you are striving for and following God's will, but people still put that aside and ultimately deny your heart. They have their own views and their own plans for you, which blinds them to stopping and realizing that just maybe what you're saying and what you're trying to do is right and that they could, in fact, be wrong.

Sometimes this is done out of love, because those people have such an immense love for you that they can't let you go and trust your heart's motives and decisions. Sometimes it is done out of pride, because it's the way they have always done things. They are stuck in tradition, and this pattern that they have always gone by and fear change. But most of the times it's both.

This is so frustrating to me and can be quite hurtful. It's like playing tug-of-war with God and the people that do this, and I'm the rope. God is pulling me towards Him, towards His will and I'm just about to reach that line where the other side loses, but I'm just stuck there for a while or the other sides pulls me back a little bit. I want to just let go of the other side, but I can't because it's so much more complicated than that and quite honestly I'm scared of doing that and hurting them. But then I come back to the fact that this is God, my Creator, my Father, Yahweh who is pulling me towards Him. So how could I let anything keep me from that?

It's so confusing and and makes me so weary.

Whoever is reading this, please just know that I have never been so in love with my Heavenly Father and so eager to follow His will, than at this point in my life. I do not take my life and the decisions that I make lightly, but put them in the hands of the One who formed my heart, broke my heart, and mended it by the renewing of His love and His will for my life.

Out of the Box

It makes me so sad to think of all the people who are lost; just living in darkness, with no hope. I wonder what it's like to be so trapped in sin and not believe that there is a Savior. I am beyond grateful that I do not know that feeling. But it just sickens me and makes my heart ache to think of all the people who feel that way right this second. People who don't believe in their Creator and Heavenly Father, but who are just so enthralled in drugs, alcohol, sex, SIN.

I play Counter Strike, yes I am a nerd ;P, and I always play on this Christian server and we constantly get unbelievers in the servers who just tear up Christianity, and a big reason that I have noticed is because of the "christian" role models they have seen in this world. People who call themselves Christians and then turn around and be a part of the things of this world. I find myself at a loss of words sometimes when that is brought up. How do you explain that? These days it is harder to tell if someone is a genuine Believer or not. Obviously, trying to explain that to someone through the internet, while you're playing a computer game, becomes difficult. But I just wish there was more I could do. And I know that there is! But I sometimes...a lot of the times fail at getting the courage to just be outgoing and blunt to people about the Gospel. It can be so frustrating. I have been doing better at it. I've found that going to a Bible College is a really good conversation starter, cause people always ask what I'm doing for college. So that has helped me step out of my box more. I just really hope and pray that I become more willing and open to telling anyone and everyone about God's love. I don't want to be a "in the box" Christian. I want to be out of the box, completely open, and relieving Eternal Salvation to this lost and dark world.

Limited

Do you ever feel limited? Like you can't fully show who you are, how you feel, your hearts desires, everything. It's like you're tied to a rope and it can only go so far. Then the rope keeps pulling you back farther, but you find that you're holding the end of the rope; the one who is pulling the rope back. That's what I find myself doing anyway. Once I feel limited or constrained, I pull back on that rope and sometimes put up walls.

It's a habit I want to break, but don't know how. It's a feeling I don't want to exist, but it keeps bringing me down.

I do know one thing, and that is I don't have to feel that with my Savior. Because in my relationship with Him, there are no ropes. There is no constraint. Only complete, 100% revelation of who I am.

I love the song 'Sweep Me Away' by Kari Jobe. The chorus says this: "Sweep me away, sweep me away in Your love, where nothing else matters".

I want to be swept away in God's arms, and cradled in His pure love and acceptance of everything that I am.

A New Chapter

It is so strange to figure out what to feel at the moment. I am graduated! It ended up being a really good day, past the fact that the people who put on the graduation are ridiculous. Haha. But I had a great time with my few friends that I graduated with. At the moment when I switched my tassel to the left side and threw my cap in the air, I felt happy and accomplished. A good friend of mine said that I was glowing and just seemed so happy. And I was...I am. But it is also a very strange feeling. I am not a little girl playing house and dress up anymore. I am an adult and in 3 months exactly, I will be moved away and starting college. It is such an exciting thing and I know it's going to be quite the adventure. I feel I am ready. I have never been so ready for anything. God has been shaping me into the person I have become for this next big step that I am taking. He has guided me to this point and will continue to guide me in each and every step that I take. I have given up my life to serve Him and to follow His will, and I can't wait to see where He takes me.

I have been blessed with such a wonderful life. It has been full with so many wonderful people and remarkable events. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the people who have made such an impact on my life. You know who you are. So thank you. I will always treasure you and the memories we have made. I love you and you will always have a special place in my heart!

This is the ending chapter of my childhood and high school years, but the beginning of the rest of my life.

Feelings of a Graduate

It has finally come; the day that I've been waiting for. All through high school you wonder what the day you graduate is going to be like. Honestly, it's not as extravagant as I thought it would be. I think as a home schooled student it's different though. I don't have relationships with my senior class. I have like 3 friends in it, but that still doesn't even make it like amazing or anything. There is just nothing personal or really special about it. This doesn't mean I am not excited, cause I am. But the reason I am excited isn't because of the graduation itself, but the fact that its basically the last step of being done and moving on to what's next.

In a way I wish I didn't have this attitude about it. I want to care more. I do feel accomplished in a way, which is important I suppose. But there is just something missing. It seems like I should just be extremely excited or something. Maybe once I am actually there tomorrow, it will be more real so I'll be more into it. Hopefully that will be the case. Because I know one day I am going to look back and wish I had a different attitude or something.

Well, it has been an extremely long week and I have a very long day tomorrow.

Goodnight, world.

Happy Graduation to me! Whooo!